Not-so Happy Birthday to ME!!!

I just realized that all I do on this blog is rant and rave... Wish I something nice and loving to say but I guess not! 
Tomorrow is my birthday, I should be over the moon and yet I'm so not! As I look over the past 30 years I realize the past 18 or 19 years I've celebrated the way everyone else wanted me too...  Isn't this day to celebrate me?  Was I mistaken? Do I have it wrong? My birthday to celebrate my birth right?  Hmm I think I should just not celebrate anymore.  It used to be a whole month long celebration but lately I don't even want to celebrate it a little!

I think my macarade will soon crack and the inner true self will soon show! All I want is a nice beautiful 24hours with the ones I love not asking me for anything, not throwing tantrums because they can't get their way and just letting me feel loved unconditionally.  I want you to show me how special I am not tell me. I want to give me what I deserve and want not what you think I want.  I want a day filled with happy tears not tears of saddness and anger!

 We shall see what the rest of the week bring me!

Crisis... Says it all!

So I woke up this morning and haven't stopped crying since! I'm now sitting in Bellevue's Crisis Clinic and don't know what the hell to expect. My mind is all over the place, don't know what to do! Wish I had an idea of what lies ahead. Right now I want to stay in my safe zone, but I don't even know where that is anymore.
The next question is do I leave her or do I bring her home? My gut says leave her but my heart says bring her home!
So the doctor's vetoed my decision she is home.

Beginning of the Rant...

So I'm tired of bitching and moaning to those I love and a friend sent me her blog... So I decided... thats a good venue... lets see how well this goes!

I am 30 almost 31 and I've lived harder than someone three times my age... and lately it just seems to get harder.  But no one ever said life was easy.  I was once told I could write a book about my life, but someone beat me to that... Have you ever read or saw the movie- Riding in Cars with Boys... Boy did that feel like I was watching Drew Barrymore play me on tv. I mean granted there are few things different... She had a boy and I have a girl but basically everything else was the same.

So where do I begin this rant??? Do I tell you how disappointed I am in my daughter or how tired I am of being the one everyone runs to for help... Who is gonna help me???
Why is it always about you? Have you realized that I have issues too, I have problems; oh wait thats right you can't see past yourself...

Before this becomes one of Eminem's songs let me get off of you and back on to me!!! The past few months have been insane... Amanda started High School and I thought that it would be a good thing, easy because all of her other transitions went great... Who was I kidding?  She made new friends quick some good but most bad... It started with her choice of male friends... i.e. the "boyfriend"... ugh.... i get sick just thinking about him... Well lets just say, I've had to force him out of our lives... I know he will always be in the back of her mind and I know I will always be hated for this but, a mother must do things to protect her child...

So hear we are 6 months into  High School and shes been suspended and invited then unvited to represent her school at an Academic Bowl for deaf students... So now I ask you, why am I supposed to be proud of her???

Can you say Bellevue???

So I took the day off yesterday... Needed the mental health day and just tried to break this cold before I get worse... Well apparently that wasnt what the doctor ordered! I should have know it because this month didnt start off so well, why would I think that Monday would be any better than the past 21 days.


Amanda wants to die! or at least that what she told the school, so being that they are so concerned with her well being they sent her to Bellevue for a phsyc eval!!! yay me! My day off I have to rush to Manhattan to Bellevue Hospital to sit and wait for Amanda to be evaluated. Now for the next 10 days she will be on suicide watch!!!
When will this end??? I dont want it to end bad, only good... My heart is broken...